The Chronicles of a Stormtrooper
by LemonyShepard
Summary: A situation comedy about three Stormtroopers dealing with insanity, prejudice, homosexuality, and armor that doesn't work! Kinda like Seinfeld in space! Rating just in case.
1. A Typical Day on a Space Station

**Yeah, so I wrote this while trying to clear the writers block I_ STILL _have with Octavius vs. Grievous. Basically it's life from a Stormtroopers point of view. Is it boring? A little. Is it gonna get better? shrug But read it anyways 'cause...I said so!**

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Cody slowly got out of his hammock bed and groaned. His back hurt a little but he would live. He slowly slid his slippers on and descended from his bed to the bathroom, which was a total mess. Towels were thrown carelessly in every direction and water stained infested the cracked walls. 

He removed his blue, plain pajamas and walked into the shower. He turned on the water and let out a shriek. He grimaced. Butch forgot to pay Lord Vader the water bills again. Shivering, he quickly washed up and got out of the freezing shower.

He looked around the bathroom for his red robe, which was nowhere to be found. He let out a frustrated sigh.

"Butch!" he called out. He heard a slight mumble, then a "What?" outside the door.

"Where's my robe?"

"I dunno, Cody, where'd you last have it?"

The angered trooper wrapped a robe around himself and walked out of the bathroom, where he met his roommate, just waking up. "I could've sworn I left it _right _in here!" Cody cried.

Butch yawned loudly then walked into the bathroom. "Well, do you wanna use my robe for now?" he asked.

"No thanks." Cody responded as he got dressed, still dripping wet. He hated the feeling of putting clothes on when he was wet, because that would just make _them _wet, too. The he would have to go the whole day with damp clothes.

"Well, why not?" Butch asked.

"Aw, it's just not the same." His roommate responded. "I mean, it's nothin' personal but…I mean, it's like using someone else's toothbrush. It's just weird."

Butch then shut the door to the bathroom. "Well, what's wrong with sharing toothbrushes?"

Cody stared at the door in disbelief. "Can you honestly say that you enjoy sharing toothbrushes?" he asked.

"I don't see anything wrong with it. Yes!"

Cody made a face of disgust and continued dressing. He heard the sound of the shower turning on then a piercing scream.

"Cody, why didn't you pay Vader the friggen water bill!" Butch screamed. His roommate was about to protest, but decided it would be best to simply ignore his screaming buddy.

He put his red jumpsuit on, which was complete with his operation number, CK421, patched on the right side of his chest. He grabbed a small, black binder and called out, "I'm goin' downstairs, Butch!"

"Alright! Save me a seat! Oh, and an English muffin!"

"Right," the trooper responded quietly as he opened the door of his room and made is way to the elevator. There he met up with a huge group of other men, also dressed in red jumpsuits.

"Mornin', Cody," one of them said to him groggily.

"Hey, Mack." He responded. "Hey, did you catch _A Wookie in Toledo_ last night?"

"Yeah, I did. Man, it was a total shock. Yeah, so turns out that the Wookie's adoptive father really came from _Alderaan_, not Naboo! The Wookie was, you know, just crushed to find this out and…"

"Did you tape it for me?"

Mack stopped and a look of horror shot across his face. "Oh, Cody, I completely forgot!"

"You did? Hm…"

"Hey, man, I'm sorry, but I was lookin' foreword to it and I just forgot."

"No biggie…even though it was the season finale." The elevator doors opened and there were at least ten other troopers inside. Cody, Mack, and the others crammed themselves in as Mack continued his apology.

"Look, Cody, why don't you ask someone else like…Jordo! I'm sure he taped it."

"Yeah, Jordo tapes everything from _'The Jedi Apprentice'_ to _'The Fairly OddEwoks.'_"

They laughed and continued to get shoved into the back wall of the tiny elevator.

"Ya know, someone outta complain to Vader. Tell 'im we need bigger elevators." Mack complained.

"Yeah, or like an escalator or somethin'."

"Every little bit helps." The doors opened again and the troopers walked out into a crowded cafeteria. There they waited in the incredibly long line and awaited their breakfast.

"So where's Butch?" Mack asked.

"Eh, he's still getting' dressed." replied Cody. "Oh, by the way, have you seen my robe?"

The trooper looked at Cody curiously. "Why the hell would I have yer robe?"

Cody shrugged. "I dunno, it's just that I had it last night and now I can't find it."

They finally reached the front of the line and grabbed trays. "Oh, yeah, and I've made a hobby outta stealin' yer robes in the middle of the night, is that it?"

"Hey, hey, don't get defensive. I was just wonderin'."

They grabbed some oranges and approached the milk. Mack, of course, got his chocolate and Cody gottwo white for himself and strawberry for Butch. Once they passed by the pastries, Mack got two doughnuts and Cody grabbed a bagel and, remembering what his roommate asked, an English muffin.

They gave their trays to the cafeteria druid who sloped down a large pile of gunk on them. Cody gave a slight nod and went to their table, carrying the brown-mixed-with-green-chunks glob.

"Man, I can't believe we're having Mynock-meal again." Mack complained.

His friend shoved a spoonful in his mouth. "well," he said with his mouth full. "It's better than that time we had Opee See Killer tongue."

Mack made another disgusted face. "Yeah, or that…winged stuff. What was it called?"

"Geonosian stew." answered Butch, who had just arrived at the table. "Thanks for the chow, Cody." He said thankfully.

"No problem. Hey, any luck findin' my robe?"

"Nope, I'm sorry." Butch said, eating his English muffin. Cody buried his face in his hands.

"I just can't remember where I must've put it." He said to himself, aggravated.

"Well, we'll help you look after inspection." Mack said. "Then I'll ask Jordo for a copy of _A Wookie in Toledo_ for ya, alright?"

"Yeah…" and he sipped him milk. After breakfast they walked down to the Armor Wash. There, Washing Droids were just finishing up the daily Stormtrooper laundry. They all looked for their suits.

"Hey, has anyone seen suit number CK421?" Cody cried out into the crowd. Of course, no one heard him, so it took them all about two hours to find their correct suits.

"Man that's hell, huh?" Mack asked.

"It's only hell if you make it hell, Mack." Butch responded, putting his armor on over his jumpsuit. As Cody was putting his leg cuffs on, a question entered his mind.

"Hey, what's the purpose of this armor anyways?" he asked. The two troopers looked at him.

"Well, it's for protection, dumbass." Mack said crudely. "What else is armor for?"

"Yeah, but if you actually watch the security tapes, a Rebel's blasters or a lightsabor could easily go right through this."

"Cody's right," Butch said, knocking on his helmet. "It's just plastic."

Mack sighed. "We own the entire galaxy and we can still only afford plastic hand-me-downs."

An alarm interrupted them as a voice came over the loud-speaker. "ATTENTION ALL UNITS! ATTENTION ALL UNITS! THE EMPEROR'S LAMBDA-CLASS SHUTTLE HAS BEEN SIGHTED ON OUR RAIDAR! ALL UNITS REPORT TO THE MAIN HANGER FOR INSPECTION!"

Butch gasped. "It's the boss." He said, biting his nails nervously.

"Who cares?" Cody said simply. "He never pays any attention to Stormtroopers. He's, like, obsessed with Vader."

"Man, I would give anything to be in his shoes," Butch said dreamily. Mack gave him a nudge in the arm.

"And walk around breathin' like _that_?" he asked. "No way! Besides, it's not like his armor works either. His is plastic, too, except it's in black."

"Ya know, next time we have another Storm meeting, I'm requesting a uniform change."

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**Will Cody ever find his robe? Will Butch get his wish of being in Vader's shoes? Will they ever get their uniform change? STAY TUNED!**


	2. A Trip to Jordo's

**In the last epic chapter of Chronicles of a Stormtrooper: We met our brave heroes, Butch and Cody. We saw them eat breakfast with Mack. We laughed when they complained about their plastic armor. We cried as they misplaced their bathrobes. We left them awaiting the Emperor's Shuttle! What will happen? Read on...**

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They stood, single file, in the main hangar, anxiously awaiting the Emperor's shuttle. Butch stood completely still, not wanting to upset Lord Vader, who was standing right in front of them. Mack was shifting from left to right impatiently.

"Man, what the hell's takin' him so long?" he whispered to Cody, who was twitching his left leg every now and then.

"I dunno, man, but I've got an itch."

Mack starred at his friend through his helmet in horror. "You've got an itch? Now?"

Cody nodded nervously as he desperately tried to itch his leg from the outside of his plastic armor. No such luck. Mack grabbed his blaster out of its holster and handed it to him quietly.

"Now, if you aim right, you should be able to shoot the itch away." He said silently. Cody looked at him like he was some sort of moron and continued twitching his leg. Mack shrugged and put the weapon away.

Butch still stood there, eying Lord Vader carefully as to not screw up in front of him. His itchy friend, however, was so desperate to get relief from the pain that he knew he needed to act fast. He slowly raised his hand.

"Wha-?" the Sith lord muttered, surprised. "I've never seen a Storm Trooper show any sign of independence or originality before. What is it that you want? Something important, I assume?"

Cody looked down at his white-armored feet and quietly said, "Well…my Lord, um…can I go and, um…" He swallowed hard. "itch my leg?"

Darth Vader looked shocked once again and maybe even a little bit insulted. He rose his hand to Force-choke the trooper when another general responded, "Yes, CK421, you may go…itch your leg."

Cody let out a sigh of relief, thanked the general (who, soon after, got choked to death by Vader), and left to the Armor Wash to scratch his poor leg. When he returned nearly ten minutes later he saw each and every Storm trooper still standing in single file, incredibly tired.

Cody walked back to his spot to see Mack collapsed on the floor in exhaustion. Butch was still standing there, trying to be the perfect trooper, but Cody could tell even he was getting tired.

"Where the hell is he?" called a trooper in the back. Vader gave a nod to a nearby general who pulled out a thermal detonator and threw it in the back. The explosion was pretty intense and the added blood effect worked like a charm. From then on, nobody dared to do as much as cough.

Finally, a small jingle came from Lord Vader's pocket. Vader looked up suddenly and said, embarrassed, "Um, I'll get that."

He pulled out his hologram device from his pocket and pressed the talk button. "Whoever you are, hurry up," he stated crudely. "You're wasting my minutes."

"Silence, Lord Vader!" cried the voice on the other end. Soon a hologramic image appeared of the evil Emperor Palpatine.

"I'm afraid to inform you, Lord Vader, that I will not be able to attend the meeting today." He said nonchalantly. "My shuttle just crashed into an asteroid and I'm stuck in this escape pod."

"What did you do to the pilot that crashed you?" Vader asked.

"I was going to spare him but then figured _'Who gives a damn?'_ and Forced-choked him." He laughed. He then regained his composure and said, "So, yeah, you do not need to wait for me anymore."

A huge wave of groans filled the hangar as the troopers began walking out. "Man, what a friggen waste of time!" Mack complained as they walked out. He checked the clock in the hall for the time. They began waiting at 9:00 am and it was already _2:45!_

"Man, you know what?" he said. "That Palpatine sure owes us a lot! One of these days I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind!"

"Yeah, and he's gonna fry it with his lighting fingers." Cody laughed. "Now there's somethin' I would pay to see…"

"I could've gotten your show from Jordo by now," complained Mack. "We should do that now. C'mon guys."

Soon they were outside a room with a ridiculously-drawn _"All Mortals, Jedi, and Gungans Keep Out!"_ sign taped on the door. Cody knocked on the door.

"Enter…if you DARE!"

Mack rolled his eyes and pushed the door open. There, sitting on the floor in his underwear, was Jordo. He was sitting in the dark with the radio turned on elevator music and sipping lemonade. Scattered all throughout the floor was old issues of TV Guide and crinkled up Dixie cups. Butch and Cody starred in shock at the disaster, but Mack simply walked in and said, "Hey, Jordo, can you help us out with somethin'?"

"Hm…well I guesh it all dependsh on what it ish." The mentaly challenged trooper responded in his distinct lisp.

"Did you, by any chance, tape _A Wookie in Toledo_ last night?" Cody asked.

"Oh, yesh. Yeeeesh! The sheashon finale. Yesh, that wash a good one, no? I cried so hard when the wookiesh fajah shaid he wash really from Alderaan and…"

"Do you have it Jordo?" Cody interrupted. The sick trooper regained his composure (or at least what he had of it in the beginning) and went off to a huge file cabinet up against his wall. He opened a drawer marked 'W' and flipped through the files.

"What show?" he asked. Cody looked at Mack in disbelief and answered, "Um…_A Wookie in Toledo_?"

"What sheason?"

"Uh, season…four I think?"

"What epishode?"

"The last one…23 I think."

Finally Jordo smiled and pulled out a large tan folder. He opened it and continued his questions.

"VHSh or DVD format?" he asked.

"Uh, I'll take DVD I guess."

"Wideshcreen or Full?"

"Wide please."

"Two dishc shpecial edition or one?"

Mack slapped him in the back of the head and grabbed the DVD. "Geez, Jordo, we wanted an episode, not a full-length motion picture!"

The movie collector shrugged. "Well, shome people want shpecial modivicationsh done and I've gotta be prepared for anything they want in good quality TV showsh."

"Alright, well, thanks, buddy." Mack said. "We'll be leaving now."

Jordo's eyes widened as his visitors approached the door. "Wait!" he cried out. "I haven't had vishitorsh in shuch a long time. Uh…you guysh wanna play _Dungeonsh and Dragonsh_ with me?"

And on that happy note, the trio opened the door and walked away, leaving poor Jordo alone, in the dark, in his underwear, with his lemonade and elevator music.

"Man, that guy needs to get out more often." Cody thought out loud.

"Tell me about…poor guy," Mack started. "He was found by Jawas half naked in the middle of the Dune Sea." He leaned in to whisper in Cody's ear. "Rumor has it that the Sarlaac found him before they did and it abused him…sexually." The two troopers cringed.

"Have you guys noticed how Vader gives this sort of…aura whenever he walks by?" Butch asked, as if in a daze.

"That's the dark side, dude." Mack responded. "It kind of surrounds him. That's why he's the boss and we're the low-lives. If we don't like something he does all we can do is complain. If he doesn't like something we do…he Force-chokes us."

"Yeah…" Butch said. "Did you see the way he choked that general today? Wow he's amazing…"

Cody gave his roommate a sick look. "Cody what's with all this 'Oh my God I love Darth Vader' talk?"

Butch's eyes darted every which way as he exclaimed, "I don't love Lord Vader, our supreme ruler and master. What gave you that idea? Leave me alone!" And with that, Butch ran away, leaving Mack and Cody standing in the hall, dazed and confused. Mack leaned over again and whispered, "If I were you, I'd make him move out ASAP."

"Oh, come on." His friend responded. "I'm sure he's just tired after standing around for six and a half hours for the Emperor."

"Sure…that's what the producer of _Queer Hand of Alderaan_ thought."

"Well, I may as well go watch this episode. I've wanted to watch it all day."

Before Mack and Cody reached their room, however, another voice boomed over the loud speaker.

"ATTENTION ALL UNITS! ATTENTION ALL UNITS! THOSE TROOPERS ON THE BOARD OF EVIL PLEASE REPORT TO THE MEETING ROOM IMMEDIATELY! I REPEAT: ALL TROOPERS ON THE BOARD OF EVIL REPORT TO THE MEETING ROOM IMMEDIATELY! THANK YOU!"

Cody moaned. "I'm on the Board of Evil. I'll have to catch up with you later, Mack."

"Why did you join that retarded board anyways?" his friend asked. "It's showing that you support everything the Emperor does. And we all know that nobody supports the Emperor."

"Why do you hate him so much?" Cody asked, taking out the clipboard from his room.

"First of all, he's pure evil and would gladly kill us all. I mean…that's worse than Bush."

Cody gave him a look of disbelief. "Don't push it."

"Second, he gives us this pointless armor, third he doesn't give us dental, forth he says that he gets a botox every month but…have you seen that guy?"

Cody laughed. "Whatever," he said, walking away to the meeting room. "Hey, I'll see ya at dinner alright?"

"Yeah, if you don't get killed by Turtle-Face first!" his friend laughed in return.

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**Yeah so, um, misknowner: I support Bush and..._almost_ everything he does, but an "Emperor/John Kerry" joke wouldn't be nearly as funny:)**


	3. Witmi's Inspection

**Well...3 responses...not too good, dude. I say you guys give me (and this story) some more respect. Thank you and PLEASE read and respond!**

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Cody slowly entered the dark, oval-shaped room and sat down at the long, black table. There were many other Stormtroopers sitting there as well, each with an identical clipboard. Our hero sat down and began to read the clipboard notes.

After a few minutes of silent reading, the Stormtrooper at the head of the table said, in a dull voice, "Alright, people, we have been chosen by our high master, Emperor Palpatine, to choose a name for this space station." He looked at his clipboard and pulled out his bifocals.

"The elected names are, and I quote:" he started. "The Sphere O' Fear, The Really Big Ball of Evil, or the Death Egg." He squinted behind his glasses and said, quickly, "I'm sorry, that's the Death _Star_."

"Well, that one sucks." One Stormtrooper whispered to Cody.

"Now we will have a unanimous vote to see which name will be chosen."

The Head Stormtrooper passed out tiny sheets of Post-It notes with the three names written on them with poorly drawn boxes next to them. _'Damn low-budget Empire.' _Cody thought as he checked off the box next to the _Sphere O' Fear. _After a half hour, since many of the Stormtroopers were highly indecisive, the Head Stormtrooper collected the Post-It notes from the white-suited henchmen.

"Thank you all for your input." He said in a monotone voice. "You may go now." Sighing at the amount of time he had wasted, Cody began walking out of the dark room and back into the bright gray corridors. He looked up at the clock. It was definitely lunch time but, due to the sudden appearance of a smuggling ship carrying a group of Rebels out of Mos Eisly, lunch has been cut back. Cody pretty much hated life.

He had to go to the Weapons Laboratory for his weekly "weapons inspection." He always loved this day because the "Weapons Doctor" was really the galaxy's most attractive, red-headed, shapely woman doctor. "Weapons inspection" was just a fancy word for "complete examination of the body to make sure you're healthy enough to go out and die at the end of a Blaster blast."

Cody began his descent to the "Weapons Inspection Room", thinking all the while as to where the hell his robe might've been. It's been a good ten hours at least and his clothes were_ still_ wet. He suddenly stopped short at the Inspection Room. It wad closer than he had remembered.

He took a deep breath in and swiftly opened the door. He was now standing in a typical waiting room, with terribly outdated copies of Entertainment Wookiee and Teen Ewok and a black and white TV hanging from the corner of the room, showing black and white children's cartoons. Cody sat down at a small, plastic table with coloring books on it. He knew it was going to be a long while before Dr. Avsex Witmi would ask for him.

"OK, Mr…Cody, is it?" Hm, guess she wasn't going to take as long as he thought.

And there she was: the most beautiful woman in the galaxy…ever since Padme Amidala died, of course. Her long, curly read hair, her perfect face housing striking emerald eyes and delicate red lips, and her white nursing gown, which was a lot tighter, higher, and lower-cut than necessary.

"Mr. Cody?"

Cody forced himself to stop drooling over the wondrous goddess that stood before him and stood up, raising his hand.

"That's me." He said, cursing himself under his breath for sounding like such a dork. Of course it was him! He was the only guy in the friggen waiting room! Dr. Witmi flashed a gorgeous smile and gestured with her index finger for him to follow her. Cody was getting sweaty.

He had never actually gone to a Weapons Inspection alone before. There were usually other Stormtroopers there in the waiting room. But today was different. Much different. Finally, he and the hottest gal in space were together. Alone. To "inspect his weapons."

She took him to a dimmed room and told him to lie down on her couch. He did as he was told. She then went over to the sink to wash her hands. The sink was a tad low, however, so she was forced to bend over to do so. Cody thanked God at that moment for letting him be alive right then.

"So, it says here that you were sicky-wicky a few days ago." Avsex said, in her adorable voice, reading her clipboard. Cody's eyes, and mind, weren't listening. They were both focused on Dr. Witmi's chest, the cleavage that was like a trailer to a great movie. "There's plenty more down here!" they seemed to say to him.

"Mr. Cody?"

"Uh…Oh, yeah...yeah, the blue one's fine…" he answered, still starring at the woman's chest. Dr. Witmi smiled, a hint of confusion on her face.

"Well, Cody, I guess I'll have to inspect your stomach. Please take your shirt off."

Cody's eyes shot up and looked at the doctor in horror. _'What? Take off my shirt? What is this lady planning on doing to me?'_

"Oh, are you shy about your looks?" Avsex asked, playfully. "Well, fine, I'll make you a deal. You take off your shirt and I'll take off mine."

Cody's shirt flew off of him faster than he thought was possible. Avsex smiled.

"Well, somebody's excited to get inspected. I guess I've got to hold up my end of the deal." Very slowly, almost seductively, Dr. Witmi began unbuttoning her gown. Cody crossed his legs, getting sweatier by the second. With each undoing of the button, Avsex let out a sigh.

"It feels so nice to finally take this hot, tight gown off…"

Cody pinched himself multiple times. Could he possibly have been dreaming? She finally got down to the middle button, the one button that would expose everything. Cody would finally be able to see the hottest woman in his life _topless_! She slowly undid that middle button, her gown opening up just enough to see…

"ALL STORMTROOPERS PLEASE REPORT TO THE MAIN HANGAR FOR DUTY ASSIGNMENTS!" Shouted a voice over the loudspeaker.

"Oh, you gotta be fucking KIDDING ME!"

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**I dunno...a fun chappie right here :)**


	4. Bad Day in a Galaxy Far Far Away

**First of all, thank you vicviper-pilot-T301, HeroInGreen, and SAGA123 for reviewing my last chapter. With you guys and your reviews, hopefully more and more people will review and read this rediculous story that nobody cares about, including me!**

**Also, if you guys are fans of Red vs Blue, based off of the best-selling Halo game, then you might find yourself at home now. A lot of my characters seem to reflect off of RVB characters (Cody being Church, Mack being Tucker, Jordo being Caboose, and Butch being Donut)**

**No, I don't own Red vs Blue. If I did, I would be _much _cooler than I am now. I also don't own Star Wars. If I did, I don't think I would be writing anything on I would also be living in the Caribbean Islands.**

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Cody cursed under his breath the whole way back to the Main Hangar. He wanted to simply walk up to Vader, shoot him clear through that retarded helmet of his, and then get his weapons inspected again. He walked over to a large group of Stormtroopers that were standing, single file, of course, in front of a giant ship.

The ship was circular, gray in hue, with a smaller cockpit located on the side of it. Cody clearly recognized it as a smuggling ship. He walked over to Mack and Butch and whispered to them, "Hey, what the hell's going on?"

"Well, we caught this ship in our tractor beam." Mack replied. "Vader says that he can feel the presence of his old master onboard."

"Aw, who gives a shit?" Cody shouted. "I just had to leave a topless redhead so I could search some piece of crap ship for some old Jedi? Man, this is definitely not my day."

"Wait, you had to leave Avsex Witmi topless?" Mack asked. "Craaaaap…you_ do_ suck."

"Hey, knock it off, buddy. It wasn't easy." Cody replied. "I had my shirt off, she was taking her shirt off…all was well. Then Vader forced us out here to…"

"Don't pin all of this on Lord Vader!" Butch shouted back. "He was simply following orders from the Emperor."

"Alright, dude, seriously, that act needs to stop." Mack replied. "It's scaring me."

"I don't see why my decisions and my choices should affect you guys in any way." Butch protested. Cody slapped his palm onto his helmet.

"Because you are my roommate, and coming out of the closet suddenly could be a _little_ awkward for me." He stated. Butch looked appalled.

"I never said anything about-"

"Sh, sh, sh!" Mack shushed. "Darth Whatisface is about to say something!"

"His name is Darth Vader, numbnuts."

"Aw, shut it!"

"Troops, I want this smuggling ship inspected inside and out." Vader ordered. "Leave nothing unturned. We must find whoever was trying to sneak in here."

Thus, Vader nodded to two officers, who looked at their clipboards briefly, and then looked back up in Cody's direction.

"CK421 and HT775, you two are to search this ship." The officer stated. "Other troopers, stand around here, look nice and ready in case these two die a terrible, horrific, and inhumane death."

Cody, completely assured that he was probably going to die at the business end of a lightsabor, slowly lowered his head and began walking toward the giant ship. Mack looked over at Butch for a moment and then shouted, "Hurry back, Cody!"

* * *

Upon opening the doors to the smuggling ship, Cody looked around for HT775, whoever that was. He shrugged and simply walked into the ship, searching around for anything or anyone that he could take to Vader. Was he looking for a promotion? Yeah, probably.

Suddenly, he heard a noise from around a corner. A noise that sounded as if a smuggler was trying to escape from the ship in some sort of secret passageway. Cody grinned from behind him helmet. He slowly approached the corner, blaster ready in his hands, as thoughts of him as an officer in command flowed through his mind. He jumped out from behind the corner, blaster set to kill, finger on the trigger, shouting triumphantly as he ran into…

"Aw, crap," he sighed, lowered his weapon. "Jordo, is that you?"

In front of him was a Stormtrooper, cowardly lying in the feeble position, rocking himself back and fourth. His helmet was slightly on sideways and in one of his hands was a can of Pringles. The Stormtrooper looked up at Cody.

"Cody?" he asked slowly. "Ish that you?" Cody cringed at his new partner's horrible lisp.

"Yes, Jordo, it's me." He responded, completely unexcited. "What the hell were you doing?" Jordo gasped happily and jumped up to hug his teammate.

"Oh, I am sho happy that we are to be partnersh and…we get to shearch thish ship…oh, the fun we'll share!"

Cody pushed Jordo away, maybe a little too hard, and brushed his armor off. "Yeah, that's great." He said quickly. "Listen, we need to find whoever piloted the ship here in this first place and find out what the hell they want."

Jordo gave a slight laugh. "Oh, that will be eashy." He assured Cody. "All we have to do is find some guysh and take them back to Tater."

"That's Vader." Cody corrected, clearly getting very annoyed. "Plus, this is a smuggling ship. There's at least a dozen places for a bunch of people to hide in here. Hell, they could hide an army in all of these secret passageways!"

Jordo suddenly seemed very nervous as he backed away from a wall. "You don't think they would do that, do you?" he asked.

Cody shook his head. "No…I think they're watching us, though…probably laughing at how retarded you are…probably ready to knock us dead and do something crazy, like…"

"Like take our armor and pretend they were us and sneak into the battleshtation and rescue the princessh?" Jordo asked.

"First of all, dude, that's the most retarded plan I've ever heard." Cody snapped. "And secondly, when the hell were we holding a princess hostage?"

At that exact moment, something hit Cody really hard on the head, forcing him to the ground, near unconsciousness. As he blacked out, the last thing he remembered hearing was Jordo saying, "Oh, sho _that'sh_ where you guysh were hiding thish whole time!"

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**Well, Jordo's back, Mack is stuck with Butch, and Han has just stolen Cody's armor. Not the best of days.**


	5. Stuck without Luck

**Alright...so nobody's review my fourth chapter yet...that's cool. Here's another one, if you care.**

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"So…what's your favorite color?" Butch asked. Mack was seriously ready to kill himself. He had never spent so much time with Butch alone and all of the questions he was being asked drove him insane. He seriously considered spending more time with Jordo than with this fruit.

"To be honest, Butch, I don't _have_ a favorite color." Mack replied coldly. "In fact, I _hate_ colors. I hate _everything_. Including you. Maybe if you didn't ask so many questions, I wouldn't hate you. But you _do_ ask too many questions, therefore, I hate you."

There was a short pause, followed by Mack adding, "…a lot."

Butch was quiet, looking at his feet for a while, and then pulled out a Rubic's Cube from his armor pocket. Mack starred at the puzzle in disbelief as Butch struggled to complete the nigh-impossible puzzle.

"You know, my cousin, who lives on Alderaan, he can solve these things faster than light-speed." Butch stated. Mack lowered his eyebrows and sighed, frustrated, as he gripped Butch's shoulder tightly.

"Alderaan was destroyed by this station." Mack shouted somewhat quietly, which isn't entirely possible to do. "Vader called the orders to destroy it. So guess what? Your friggen cousin is dead! As for the Rubic's Cube…" he pulled out his blaster and shot the puzzle into a billion tiny pieces, which tumbled to the floor. "Who honestly gives a shit?"

"Shhh!" An officer shushed Mack. Mack flicked the officer off before saying, "Oh, up yours!"

Suddenly, Butch began twitching. Mack starred at the annoying Stormtrooper, who was now sobbing uncontrollably, as he collapsed to the floor, covering his helmet with his gloved hands.

"Oh, Victor!" he shouted, tears flooding up his helmet. "You were so young!" Suddenly, Butch was the center of attention. Stormtroopers from all over the hangar walked over to him, trying to comfort him.

"What'd you do to him?" one asked Mack, who shrugged nervously and knelt down to apologize to the crying trooper.

"Hey, buddy, come on, I was just…just kidding around, you know?" Mack attempted, giving a slight smile that was faker than their dental plan. "Alderaan's fine, so I'm sure Victor's fine, too."

"He has a friend who lived on Alderaan?" a Stormtrooper asked.

Mack nodded. "Cousin."

The Stormtrooper slapped Mack upside the head. "And you went off and told him about its destruction? What the hell's wrong with you, you sicko?"

Butch began sobbing again. "So it's true! Victor _is_ dead?"

Mack sighed, walked over to a wall, and began beating his head on it.

* * *

After a few more minutes of calming Butch down, who went back to pestering Mack with random questions that nobody really cared about, Mack wandered off into another crowd of Stormtroopers. There were all huddled around, talking about something.

"What's up?" Mack asked.

"The two troopers who went into the ship came out with a Wookiee!" another Stormtrooper responded. "A friggen _Wookiee_, dude! Those things are crazy!"

_'Hm…Cody walked out with a live Wookiee?'_ Mack asked himself. _'Cody's a bigger coward than Butch is. No way would he trap a Wookiee by himself.'_

"Mack, come over here, check it out!" Butch cried out. Mack sighed with embarrassment that Butch just screamed his name over the entire Hangar, thus proving to everyone around that they were at least acquaintances, as he walked over to Butch, who was jumping up and down like a giddy school-child.

"Look!" he screamed. "Lord Vader is fighting some old guy!" Mack, now somewhat interested, looked over to his left and saw, indeed, Darth Vader, red lightsabor ignited, dueling an older man, dressed in brown robes, with a blue lightsabor.

"Let's go check it out!" Butch exclaimed as he ran over to the scene. Mack followed, along with a few other interested Stormtroopers.

"Man, look at that guy fight." Butch said. "Look at his lightsabor…so long and red…"

"Dude, I'm fuckin' serious when I say _knock it off_!" Mack cried.

Suddenly, the old man Vader was fighting looked into the distance, grinned, and lowered his weapon, giving Vader a clear shot at chopping his head off! Butch jumped up and down happily.

"Yes! Yes!" he cried. "He won! He totally owned that guy!"

_"NO!"_

The whiney, high pitched voice came from behind the big group of Stormtroopers. Mack turned around to see two guys, some chick, two droids, and…a Wookiee?

"Holy shit!" Mack shouted, firing his weapon. "Shoot 'em! Shoot 'em!"

However, the two guys had blasters at their sides, and slowly began killing off the other troopers around Mack and Butch. Soon, the band of rebels were inside the smuggling ship, flying away into the deep bowels of space. Mack stood there, looking at the ship, getting farther and farther away, completely flabbergasted.

"We missed…" he whispered in disbelief. "I can't believe…we fuckin' MISSED!" He grabbed Butch by the collar of his armor. "They were completely outnumbered! We had the advantage! We had friggen armor! They weren't moving at all! How…did…we…miss!"

At that point, Mack collapsed to the floor, joining the bodies of dead Stormtroopers, and began crying. Butch, on the other hand, was watching Vader, whipping his cape, as he slowly began to walk towards his custom-made TIE-fighter.

* * *

**Well...yeah...getting more into the actual _Star Wars_ plot. Let's see where Cody, Jordo, Mack, and Butch end up, eh?**


End file.
